Helaman 5

That year, Nephi handed over his judgeship to Cezoram. Why? People choose their interests and if their interests are woeful, woeful candidates win. It was the rule of law, so go with it, people said. What a ruse. Because this was the most lawless society we’d seen. Nephi was sick of it and wanted to just go preach with his brother Lehi till he died.

With this move he had in mind something his dad had said; it was kind of long, not just a proverb or epigram. To wit:

Boys, I want you to keep God’s law. I also want you to teach others to do the same. Then think about our ancestors. So we have to keep remembering what they did and said and thought and wrote. They were better than you or I. Then aspire to have so good a reputation, so that someday people will say, remember those guys. They were better than you or I …

But don’t aspire so you can lord it over others. Do it for heaven’s sake. I mean that literally: do it for the sake of heaven, where, if you’re smart, you’ll want to stash away unspoilable blessings, including God-like life forever. (Which I’m almost certain our ancestors have.)

Think about King Benjamin’s famous sermon: no one can get to heaven without faith in Jesus’ mission and sacrificial death.

Think about Amulek and what he said to Zeezrom in Ammonihah: God will come to earth as Jesus to save people from their sins not in their sins. God-Jesus gave Jesus-God the way to save people from their sins when they change behavior. So when angels appear on earth—rare, I know, but it happens—they have one message: change for the better if you don’t want to be annihilated.

There is one rock to build your destiny on: Jesus. Once you’ve built on it, Satan’s tornadoes and hurricanes and hailstorms can’t knock your house down. And by down, I mean down to hell. How do I define “hell”? You don’t even want to go there.

That’s what he said, according to his sons. Not all that he said, but some. With that in mind, following further planning, the brothers headed off to preach to Nephites everywhere. Sure they were Nephites and therefore technically the good guys. But that wasn’t enough.

Nephi and Lehi started preaching at Bountiful, then proceeded to Gid, then Mulek. When they’d covered all the main spots and reached all their target audiences, they went to Nephites down south. Then they went to the Lamanites in Zarahemla. They were confusing—in a good way. You always want to confuse your enemies, hopefully with truth they can’t handle. And sometimes it’s just one step from confusion to conversion. That’s what happened here: the Nephite dissenters got religion, got baptized, and got back to where they once belonged, hoping to make amends among their old friends in Orthodoxville (NB: not a real place; I just made it up for effect.)

Nephi and Lehi preached like heavenly mongrels—half angels and half humans—so authoritative, with words literally welling up like God’s gushers from their throats.

They baptized 8,000 Lamanites in the Greater Zarahemla Area, all of them convinced their parentage was cursed and their culture diseased.

Nephi and Lehi turned toward Nephiland. But Lamanite troops surrounded them, tied them up, and hauled them into prison (the same prison where Ammon, et al., had stayed). They went on an involuntary hunger strike for over a week, until a motley gang of troops and guards marched down the corridor to kill them.

But an odd thing happened. The two missionaries glowed like torches to the eyes of their would be assassins, who backed off at the weird mirage. They thought it would be scorchingly hot. But Nephi and Lehi felt cool. They did notice the glowing, flickering waves of flame all around them. And that made them smile. Because this was another miracle for the books. And they knew they’d be safe, wrapped in this divine illusion.

And what a great pretext for a quick speech. Here’s what they said: “God has snared you with this visual effect. You’re too chicken to touch us. Ha ha.”

And with that the ground shook and the walls swayed, seemingly about to crumble. But, unlike other miracles, God let them stand. All the prisoners of conscience who populated the cells saw a dark cloud envelop them. Not just the usual depression, where darkness seems visible. This was an actual dark cloud. This worried almost everyone.

Then a voice spoke gnawingly to the would-be assassins: “Lay off my missionaries. I’ve sent them with good news. You’re bad news. Lay off.” It was a kind of chiasmus, which seemed to confirm the speaker’s divinity.

Now it’s hard to describe the sound of the voice. It wasn’t like a foghorn or a bullhorn. Certainly nothing like thunder. More the opposite: a plain, mild half-whisper, but as if it were whispered with the lips right up to your ear. Very effective. It gave you chills.

Well, the seismic aftershocks helped too. The cloud remained and the voice spoke the same words again.

The third time’s a charm, they say. Funny how that works. Because it did, just like that. The voice spoke some more, but this time said some things I can’t write. (I don’t know if anyone could without getting a javelin of lightning thrown through him.) Then more aftershocks.

The Lamanites froze because it was so dark. Also, they were too stunned to move. Paralysis of the Lord, we used to call it.

A Nephite dissenter named Aminadab claimed he saw the missionaries’ faces glowing through the cloud like angels (not that he’d ever seen any). He saw them tilt their heads up and start talking. The man yelled, “Look, look!” (like the angel-guides used to do to Nephi). The crowd turned and saw what he did. “What the …?” they said. “They’re talking with angels, I think,” Aminadab said.

“All right. That’s it,” they said. “Enough with the cloud. What do we do about it?”

And Aminadab, like a braying prophet started shouting “Repent, repent, repent, repent … “ Then he name-dropped: Alma, Amulek, Zeezrom. Maybe more. “Do what they said! Do what they said! Or the cloud won’t ever go away!”

Some thought it dubious and a little over-dramatic. But others started to sob and howl for Jesus to help them. And the cloud indeed dispersed. And the glow set in on all of them. Everyone looked like giant flames.

Nephi and Lehi, not surprisingly, got even brighter—the biggest flames of all. Like hell, but pretty. The walls didn’t overheat, as some expected. This was all a divine special effect, straight from the laboratories of God’s sky-castle.

Then the deified mass hysteria started to bloom: giggling, jumping for joy, speaking in torrents of praise, just like fire hydrants unscrewed. And everyone heard the same voice (they confirmed this with each other later). It was a whisper-thing, like Nephi and Lehi had heard before: “Peace, folks. Settle down. But keep enjoying what you’re feeling. That’s your faith taking root. Faith, specifically, in my Son, who is older than the whole world. Imagine that. No, I mean, seriously: imagine that. It’ll feel great.”

Puzzled, they started darting their eyes in every direction, till they all saw angels walking down a stairway to heaven.

Three hundred people are on record about this. So please, no carping.

Obviously, they became missionaries too. Set their own itineraries and headed out to nearby towns and cities. Their eyes seemed to glow with the vision they’d had. And people couldn’t ignore their passion. So: converts aplenty.

And here, my readers, was the proof that they’d really decided to follow the Lord: They put all their weapons in storage and ceded back all Nephite properties they’d once seized by force.

Pacifism and generosity. The twin traits of real conversion.