Helaman 11

Year 72: We didn’t have balloons back then. But we had disputes blowing up like that. The whole continent was inflating with arguments, hot air, some of it religious. Everyone blamed the Gadianton Group, though every group incorporates the behavior of its individual characters. And this group had characters, yes. Hotheads who kept thuggery on the front burner for all this year and the next.

In Year 73, Nephi gave a now legendary public prayer in which he asked God

—Don’t let the Nephites be hacked to death.

—Let them instead approach starvation because of a food shortage. That should teach them not to forget the Eternal Breadmaker.

I say “legendary” prayer because it worked. (We always make hay about prayers that have any effect beyond venting.)

The food shortage—mostly from drought—lasted through Year 74. And indeed, warfare abated. No one had the strength. People did starve, a lot of them before they had a chance to re-up their religiosity enough to make it rain.

Year 75: More of the same. No rain to speak of. The continent was a giant dust bowl. We tried to keep score: did more wicked people die than righteous people? But how to gauge in such simplistic terms seems a bit pitiful. Men are more complex than rain.

Religion dried up with the fields. People got the message. If they’d get frothy again about their faith, maybe the fields would bubble up with precipitation.

People begged their judges and priests to get Nephi to pray again, hard enough to get God to back off on his scorched-earth policy. They thought even God could be reasoned with: what’s the point in killing off your allegedly chosen people? They made a show of their passion for relief by wearing scratchy burlap.

Nephi really respected self-punishment. So he was swayed. But would God be? Here is what he said to the Almighty:

“First, Lord, thanks for not letting me starve. That would be ironic, given it was my prayer that gets credit for the drought. Second, I’m convinced the masses, such as they are after massive near-extinction, are changing for the good. They’ve policed the remaining Gadianton Group out of existence and buried their secret crime strategies. I wish they’d burned them. But we have to take what we can get.

“I’d say they’ve been humiliated to death, literally. Really no point in continuing this. I think you should be happy with how graciously they’ve accepted your savage treatment. Okay, Lord, I’m kidding. A little. But really, you should be happy that the food shortage has killed off thousands of gangsters, many of whom were pretty tight in the waistband and had a lot of fat reserve to live off of. (Is that why you let this go on so long?)

“Anyway, please, please make it rain.

We need fruit, grain, and grass to feed the few cattle we have left. Because we need to eat them.

“Since you so exactingly honored my prayer for famine, I assume you’ll honor this famine-relief prayer. I thought we had a deal. They’re making a good faith show. Please do the same in return. I just know you will.”

And so, in Year 76, it rained like a monster. Trees came back. Grain crops sprung up again. Grass too.

People’s heads spun with joy. As they got stronger they partied harder. And they talked about holding parades for Nephi. The Man of the Hour. People forgot that he’d basically cursed them with the Legendary Prayer. They only remembered how he’d winningly intervened for them. Clearly he was God’s right-hand man.

(His brother Lehi basked in the same glow. Sort of.)

Everything seemed to catapult back to normal, at least what people remembered as normal. They, ahem, procreated like rabbits. They rebuilt storefronts and cattle stalls. Commerce exploded alongside the population.

Year 76 ended peacefully, if a little giddy. Church membership, as you might imagine, skyrocketed. Years 77-78 continued the same good fortune, except for a little theological rancor. Typical high priests.

Year 79: Kaboom! What is it about scripture that brings out the worst in people? Sheesh. Nephi and Lehi shut down every churchy argument, though. Still …

Year 80 Nephite dissenters renounced their citizenship and moved to Lamanite territories where they stirred the pot quite a bit. The crime network started to revive. Native Lamanites and the new “adopted” Lamanites built hideouts in the woods and foothills. Because their self-willed obscurity tantalized thrill-seekers, more and more people tried to join up with what was becoming Gadianton Group Ii. When they actually scoured out the undisclosed location of the buried Gadianton Group paperwork, the jig, as they say, was up. A massive crime wave ensued.

A posse of assassins headed for the hills to annihilate the Gadianton Ii leaders. They didn’t, had to run back home.

In Year 81, the posse returned, much bigger now. They killed and were killed. Nothing new under the sun. Well, except new vulture-food. Eventually, the assassins retreated again, outmanned in this nasty guerilla warfare.

By now Gadianton Ii could probably level even the Nephite and Lamanite armies. They were pretty low-tech, but had terror on their side. Random rape-filled raids occurred more and more. Did the Nephites really deserve this? What more did God want? He wasn’t saying. But everyone assumed the worst.

Years 82-85: I’ll just sum these up by saying people got prouder of their worst transgressivity. Crossing lines became the new measure of manhood. It seemed impossible they could survive, either because of their own bloodfeuds or because God himself would pull something out of his sleeve.