3 Nephi 4

Late in Year 18 the Gadianton Secret Society launched a massive, multi-pronged invasion and occupation of cities in all directions. But there was no food left in the once occupied areas and no wild game except in the wilderness. Plunder being a moot ambition, the Gadiantons camped out in the wilds for access to potential food sources. The one wild card was this massive city in the middle of nowhere, packed plump with flocks and herds: New Nephite City, as they called it.

When Year 19 began, Giddianhi ordered an assault on the city, since the Gadiantons had no interest in farming. Too risky anyway—farmers are sitting ducks for reprisal by metropolitans, i.e., the good citizens of New Nephite City. So he gave the order and thousands of face-painted, head-shaved, metal-clothed goons stormed the city gates. The Nephites, spooked at the alien look of their attackers, dropped to the ground and started shouting prayers.

The invaders started to laugh, thinking their prey was simply swooning with fright. But really they were ginning themselves up to fight in God’s name.

They say it was the biggest slaughter in New World history. If I were a poet—which obviously I’m not—I could write an epic. But I’ll go for the common understated summary: it was literally one hell of a battle. And guess who won.

I’m sure, if you’ve been reading this far, you know. To the victors go the spoils, which include the rights to tell the story their way.

Gidgiddoni turned the flight of the Gadianton survivors into a slow pickoff, like targets at a carnival. Any face-painted, head-shaved, metal-clothed goon you see: kill him.

Among the dead: Giddianhi. The ultimate blow to the Gadianton Secret Society, which was now renamed just the Gadianton Gang. New Nephite City was safe—for another year and a half.

But in Year 21, the vestiges of the gang surrounded the city to cut off anyone trying to leave it. No hunting or fishing. No gathering fruits or hauling lumber. A complete shutdown.

Giddianhi’s successor, Zemnarihah, didn’t have much of a chance, though. Because the Nephites had enough storage to outlast the rag-tag Gadiantons. Game was scarce and the hunters weak. So it was as if the Nephites had cut the Gadiantons off, not vice versa.

It got to where Nephites could literally walk out the gates at random and run swords through the weakened troops outside. They took the term “overkill” literally. They loved to go out and pile up bodies and mud up the ground with bodily fluids.

Zemnarihah finally relented and led his remaining troops as far north as he could. But Gidgiddoni’s troops simply cut them off in their retreat. At night. So when the morning march of the Gadiantons began, they found Nephites staring them down with blades cocked in their faces. They scrambled and headed south, only to find more Nephite troops in the rear. The Nephites took some prisoners and killed the rest. They also hanged Zemnarihah, watched as his neck broke and his body writhed under a tree. When he was dead they cut down the tree and started yelling things like this:

“God loves us best. Anyone who thinks differently and acts on that thought will be cut down like this tree and the neck-roped man that dangled from it. God protect us as long as we pray, even hurriedly in an emergency. Pray or be prey!” And they started singing and dancing for joy. God and gore: a perfect security system.

“Hosanna to the Highest God! Bless His name (whatever it is—Yahweh?)!”

They all patted one another on the back, knowing that it was their divine humility that had let them win. Could heaven be far behind?